She's a Rebel
I can't pray sometimes. Troubling words from a Priest, I imagine. And I struggle more than I'd care to admit. I just can't do it some days.
I have been trying mightily to refocus my prayer life during these early vacation days on the island - at St. Peter's on the Rock, Stoney Lake, on. As it turns out, my prayer life continues to be much harder for me than some of my more "normal" colleagues, as they seem to experience prayerful bliss on vacation, retreat or a peaceful getaway.
The isolation I often experience in times of solitude triggers difficult traumatic memories for me, and I begin to spiral a bit. It leads me to a lot of shame and guilt and struggle -- all while trying to reclaim some time for communion with God. Time I already struggle with in my day-to-day chaotic life to begin with.
I think there's a reason I crave and feed off the buzz of our beloved Toronto. I can pray on the subway or the corner of Yonge and Bloor in a second - the chaos of the city finds a symbiosis with the chaos of my head, and it happens no problem.
So in my frustration, I gave the daily office a go. Lovely, but as usual, I found myself feeling read, but not filled. Silent meditation was more treacherous than I remembered. 7 mins that felt like 77. I even went before the Blessed Sacrament in the Church and knelt before the altar hoping for something more. Sometimes, but not this time.
So, from some pleas for mercy, recalling from my past, I remembered my rosary. I didn't have it with me, but I found comfort in the words of the prayers I memorized as a young Catholic boy. I prayed for God to help me know him as a mother and let me experience Christ's love that way as well.
Then, of course, this song popped up on my iPhone, and I remembered hearing it on Broadway years ago. I don't care what Billy Joe Armstrong and the boys say, Green Day's "She's a Rebel" is my favourite Marian devotion out there, hands down.
Finding God in all the wrong places, people, dark corners, and even some light ones too. Don't give up. God's looking for you too.
"She's a rebel
She's a saint
She's salt of the earth
And she's dangerous"
- She's a Rebel by Green Day